"New Clean Energy Power Source Identified in Woods Hole"

Willis Montgomery, Correspondent

A new clean and unlimited power source has been identified in Woods Hole. Baristas at Coffee-O have been able to synthesize caffeine and the sound of unhappy children waiting in massive lines at local sandwich shops to form "ultra-stress". This new form of energy was primarily designed by Kate Hosenfeffer, the manager of Coffee-O.

“Union of Somewhat Concerned Scientists meeting in Teaticket kind of a success”

Teaticket, MA

Correspondent, Willis Montgomery

Scientists from some parts the world met this past week for the sporadic meeting of the of The Union of Somewhat Concerned Scientists in Teaticket. The general idea of the meeting was kind of climate change and the research being done to determine what, if anything can be done about it.

I know I may be stating the obvious, but I'm the type that likes to say it like it is: what this town needs is more seafood places. I mean, there are several stretches of Route 28 and Main St where you may need to drive for more than a half mile just to get yourself a basket of chips and some greasy fried fish.

A newly formed non-profit organization is aiming to curb the dangerous spreading of wind across the Cape and Islands. Spokesman Todd Flander of Nantucket said that the group was formed in response to the "constant threat of wind upon us. Companies like Cape Wind like to use this to their advantage, but we feel we need to nip this problem at it's core". Mr Flander noted that "It's time we stood up for what's important to us...how many times has a backyard BBQ with the Kennedy's been ruined by wind and rain? Everyone likes to blame Bush or FEMA for Katrina, but we all know it was the wind that was to blame for all that bad press." After completing the interview and his gin and tonic, Mr Flander proceeded to sail off in his 125-foot schooner.

A 1991 red Geo Metro was reporting missing Thursday, along with its driver, 26-year old Fred Orish. The car was reported last seen making the turn into Grumpy's Pub in Falmouth. "Fred was going to see whatever band was playing on Saturday," one of his friends reported.

Local Woods Hole resident John Kyle drove over the Bourne Bridge yesterday on his way to visit his mother, who lives in Natick, Massachusetts. “I can’t remember the last time I left the Cape,” noted Mr Kyle.

Here on vacation with his family, Tommy Sampson, 5, spent thirty minutes last Saturday collecting data on the number of rocks on Falmouth Heights Beach. Mr. Sampson reported that there “must be a million rocks all over this stupid beach” as he waded in the water.

Despite the recent crackdown in Falmouth, town statistics reveal that violence between the town’s two grocery store gangs, the “Stop and Shop Posse” and “Shaw’s-shank Dementia”, has been increasing over the past four months.

Falmouth Police reported yesterday that by 7:23am, traffic from the Dunkin Donuts on Main Street in Falmouth had backed up to the Dunkin Donuts on Teaticket Highway, one mile away. “With the number of pick-up trucks turning in to purchase their daily coffees and the limited parking and small drive-through lane, it was inevitable this day would come,” noted Office Mursky.